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2009

::Osmetun::

26 July 2009 0


To my Osmet,

Janganlah sedih2 ya, whatever the reason may be. Kesihan mata kamu bengkak2 di pagi- pagi morning.

Sabar banyak- banyak.

xoxo

:: hanyalah sekeping kertas?::

0


Seseorang pernah beritahu saya...

Talian darah itu lebih penting daripada ikatan suami isteri.

Err... that did not come out right.

Misal kata... seorang parent hendak memberitahu kepada anak mereka bahawa hubungan parents-child tak akan terputus hanya kerana ibu bapa akan bercerai. Kerana pertalian darah itu adalah mortal. Dan hubungan suami isteri... hanyalah perjanjian yang termeterai di atas kertas sijil nikah aja.

Dalam kepala saya waktu itu... macam ni ke kamu regard relationship between husband and wife? Macam kontrak aja.

Saya faham lah bahawa (dalam situasi di atas lah ya) si parent itu cuba menenangkan si anak yang fikir bahawa hubungannya dengan ibubapa akan berubah kerana mereka akan bercerai. Tapi, saya tak rasa itu cara terbaik nak terangkan pada anak. Macam mengajar anak supaya mengambil enteng perkahwinan tu. Ya lah. Atas kertas je kan?

Dan aku at one time memang ada terikut pun ideologi tu. I became bitter towards life and relationships. Aku anggap semua orang pun sama. Aku tak ingat exactly macamana tapi phrase "sekadar di kertas saja" tu memang pernah keluar dari mulut aku.

Until, AW opened my eyes. And my heart. And I learned and let them to open. And I let myself to see things around me.

And after reading an entry this morning, hati saya semakin kuat berkata...

"No...it's more than just on paper."

::masih jelas::

4


Pertama kali dengar kat radio je dah jatuh cinta pada lagu ini.

Note: Kalau saya tonton konsert AF sampai habis, dah lama dah suka, tapi memandangkan tak kan...

If I fall in love with a song at first 'glance' maknanya liriknya juga secara tak langsung memberi kesan kepada jiwa saya.


Beralih musim ke musim
Hati tetap serupa
Tiada yang berubah
Dari hari dikau pergi
Dikau pergi

Penjara.. hidup ini penjara
Tanpa ada simpati
Kepada sang kekasih
Yang dilanda, yang dilanda
Kehilangan..

Chorus:
Masih jelas setiap garisan halus
Bila senyuman kau ukirkan untukku
Masih jelas setiap lekuk penjuru
Menghiasi wajahmu
Waktu kau renung aku

Ratib sendu..
Ratib sendu bergetar dalam kalbu
Hingga menitis linang
Dari kelopak mata
Keranaku keranamu dipisahkan

Sudah suratan takdir begini
Segalanya sementara
Selagi hayat masih ada
Kau bertakhta di hatiku

::sakit::

0

Semalam adalah hari yang sakit.

Malam sebelum tu aku pekena sup gearbox (1st time!) kat Klebang. Memang sedap la.

Tapi dalam pukul 7.30 am semalam, sakit perut yang teramat sangat telah membuatkan aku terjaga dari tidur. I thought I could make it go away by continuing sleeping, but it came again sampai terpaksa meringkuk di atas katil.

And I spent the next hour in the toilet, enduring the pain while waiting to --------. Macam nak pitam sakit. Terlentok kepala kat sink di sebelah.

And I got another few attacks throughout the day. Thankfully, it was not as painful.

And yes... hari ni dah baik dah. Alhamdulillah.

::the previous was a poem, this, i think, is a LOVELESS play::

20 July 2009 0


Prologue:

When the war of the beasts brings about the world’s end,
The goddess descends from the sky

Wings of light and dark spread afar,
She guides us to bliss, her gift everlasting…

Act I:

Infinite in mystery is the gift of the goddess
We seek it thus, and take to the sky.
Ripples form on the water’s surface
The wandering soul knows no rest.

Act II:

My Friend, your desire
Is the bringer of life, the gift of the goddess.
Legend shall speak of sacrifice at worlds end.
The wind sails over the water’s surface
Quietly, but surely…

Act III:

As the war sends the world hurtling towards destruction
The prisoner departs with his newfound love
And embarks on a new journey.

He is guided by hope that the gift will bring bliss
And the oath that he swore to his friends.

Though no oath is shared between the lovers,
In thier hearts they know they will meet again.

Act IV:

There is no hate, only joy
For you are beloved by the goddess.
Hero of the Dawn, Healer of Worlds.

Three friends go into battle
One is captured,
One flies away,
the one that is left becomes a hero.
If we were to enact it,
would I be the one to play the hero,
Or would You?
Indeed
After all, your glory should have been mine.

My Friend, the fates are cruel
There are no dreams, no honour remains.
The arrow has left the bow of the goddess.

My Soul corrupted by vengeance,
Hath endures torment,
To find the end of the journey in my own salvation.
And Your eternal slumber.

Now what i want most…
is the ‘Gift of the Goddess’…

Act V:

Dreams of the morrow hath shattered soul
Pride is Lost.
Wings stripped away, the end is nigh
Such is… the fate of a monster.

Even if the morrow is barren of promises,
nothing shall forestall my return.
If this world seeks my destruction…
… It goes with Me



::LOVELESS::

19 July 2009 0

Prologue
When the war of the beasts brings about the world’s end
The goddess descends from the sky
Wings of light and dark spread afar
She guides us to bliss, her gift everlasting.


Act I
Infinite in mystery is the gift of the goddess
We seek it thus, and take it to the sky
Ripples form on the water’s surface
The wandering soul knows no rest.

Act II
There is no hate, only joy
For you are beloved by the goddess
Hero of the dawn, Healer of worlds
Dreams of the morrow hath the shattered soul
Pride is lost
Wings stripped away, the end is nigh.

Act III
My friend, do you fly away now?
To a world that abhors you and I?
All that awaits you is a somber morrow
No matter where the winds may blow
My friend, your desire
Is the bringer of life, the gift of the goddess
Even if the morrow is barren of promises
Nothing shall forestall my return.

Act IV
My friend, the fates are cruel
There are no dreams, no honor remains
The arrow has left the bow of the goddess
My soul, corrupted by vengeance
Hath endured torment, to find the end of the journey
In my own salvation
And your eternal slumber
Legend shall speak
Of sacrifice at world’s end
The wind sails over the water’s surface
Quietly, but surely.

Act V
Even if the morrow is barren of promises
Nothing shall forestall my return
To become the dew that quenches the land
To spare the sands, the seas, the skies
I offer thee this silent sacrifice.

::senyum::

0


Dia melintasi saya dengan basikal.

Seperti biasa saya tak pandang sesiapa.

Kemudian terdengar suara menegur.

Saya angkat kepala.

Dia senyum dan menganggukkan kepala.

Lalu saya senyum kembali.

Apakah?


::tiny wishes::

0


I have 23 tiny wishes.
But you probably won't remember them all.
So I put them all together into one...
I'd like to spend more time with you...

Sir...flower for 1 gil?

::malam panas::

18 July 2009 0


Harap Tuhan
Kekalkan rasa percaya takdir
Lindungi hati daripada gangguan- gangguan picisan

Jangan lepaskan tangan saya ya Tuhan.

::kurang adab::

16 July 2009 2


Aku tak kisah kalau knowledge kau bertingkat-tingkat tinggi daripada aku. Ya, aku tahu kerana pengetahuan ku cetek macam puddle aja. Ya, kerana aku malas.

Aku tak kisah findings kau membuatkan findings aku null and void dengan sendirinya ( er...may be a little bit). Ya, kerana aku tak cukup praktis.

Aku tak kisah kau menyertai kumpulan kami memeriksa pesakit. Kerana kita sama- sama masih belajar.

Tapi, aku jadi irritated bila kau dengan tiba- tiba terjah tanpa salam, tanpa senyum with that plastic face of yours dan berkata : " Have U clerked this case? So what's Ur impression?" Dan bila usai memeriksa, kau tinggalkan kami dengan secebis clinical diagnosis mu sahaja. Tanpa explaination, tanpa ada mahu berdiskusi kenapa findings kita lain.

Soalan yang innocent seperti itu jadi irritant di telinga dan hati kami bila keluar dari mulut kau.

Kami tak mintak dihormati kerana kami student final year ataupun kerana kami lagi tua. Tapi kerana kita sama-sama manusia. Kamu datang untuk join sekumpulan orang, don't we deserve any of the courtesy? I tried to spare you, even when my friend started to make faces, tapi bila kau campakkan jawapan kau ke muka kami dan biar kami terkulat-kulat kat situ while you rushed away, apa kau expect kami rasa?

Mungkin budak Manipal ada attitude yang cekgu tak suka. Mungkin budak overseas macam kau punya attitude yang diimpikan oleh HOD untuk HO mereka. Tapi sesama peers, tak boleh kah kau keluarkan vibes yang sama?

Dan bila kawan-kawan Cina India pun menjadi jengkel dengan kekurangan adab sopan orang Melayu seperti kau, maka apa yang boleh aku kata lagi?

Aku just harap it's You dan bukannya general attitude budak-budak di sana.

Aku pikir aku seorang saja. Rupa-rupanya yang lain pun rasa.


::

14 July 2009 0


Terasa bagai digigit semut api di dalam...

::HPHBP::

13 July 2009 0

Baru je pulang dari meraikan hari jadi Alis di Gazebo Melaka. I've heard about the place before, but this is the 1st time pergi ke situ. The foods...? Boleh tahan la.

Current mood : agak saiko. Sebabnya... err...

(sibuk mencari idea nak tukar topik)

Oh!

Balik dari Gazebo tadi, Jijul dan Mi telah melencong ke dataran Pahlawan kerana hendak mengusha tiket untuk filem Harry Potter & the Half Blood Prince. Yes2! Tak sabarnya nak tunggu hari Khamis ni, pukul 9 malam. Tapi... yang saya baca di internet, ada beberapa perkara yang mereka sengaja omitkan. Khabarnya suasana sedih ketika --------- (untuk mengelakkan spoiler bagi yang belum tahu ceritanya bagaimana), tak berapa nak digambarkan dalam filem. And I was so ready with dozen boxes of Kleenex.

Dan kepada rakan- rakan serumahku. Udah- udahle tu menggosipkan diriku ini. Tak ke mana pun. Haha.

::n3 tiada arah tuju::

12 July 2009 0

Pelik, kata mereka.

After segala- galanya yang berlaku, shouldn't things be that way?

Tapi kenapa masih macam tiada apa-apa yang berlaku?

Ada yang kata unggul, tapi aku tak dapat nak teka kenapa.

It's just... I don't know myself. Bukannya kami set rules on how to behave or how it should be. Tak ada berbincang apa- apa pun. Things just happen. Dia tak predict (kot), saya pun tak predict apa-apa.

Let time do it's trick.

::teringat someone tricked me to say "tetaplah kau jadi milikku" ke telinganya.::


::a birthday::

11 July 2009 2



Happy 25th birthday Alis.

Kesihan ko tidak dapat pulang ke rumah di hari raya...eh...hari jadi.

:D

Enjoy!

::memoirs of aboo::

10 July 2009 4

Aboo yang baru seminggu dalam jagaan saya sudah meninggal dunia.

Pagi itu dia masih boleh menghantar saya ketika saya hendak ke hospital.

Dan ketika dalam kelas Dr S, saya menerima SMS dari osmet yang mengatakan Aboo seperti tenat. Saya mula serabut.

Balik dari hospital, saya, Jabs dan abg Mat bawa dia berjumpa vet where she was given antibiotics and vitamin injections. Dr kata mungkin sebab keracunan kerana makan rumput yang sudah kena fogging. Ataupun airnya contaminated dengan fogging dah.

Tapi umurnya tak panjang.

Sekembalinya saya dari MP petang itu, dia dah tiada.

And I cried. Tak peduli dah siapa nampak masa aku tengah berkira-kira sama ada nak buang ke nak tanam. Biarlah hilang label macho aku masa tu. (silently counting siapa yang nampak aku tangkap leleh petang itu.)

But in the end, with a help of a friend to dig a hole, Aboo selamat disemadikan.

RIP.

Saya sangat ralat kerana saya mula berkawan dengan Aboo pada hari jadi saya. Dia sangat comel. Pagi-pagi dia akan hantar kami ke hospital, balik ke rumah pun bersambut.

Dan sekarang role-nya di replace oleh si Itam-my. Semoga kamu panjang umur.

:to cik alis:

06 July 2009 4


Wah. Ada entry tribute to my housemate pula.

Haha.

Just wanna say sorry.

Sebaaaaaaabb....












Aku dok cilok body shampoo ko sket2 kadang2.

Haha.


-malas thp giga-

03 July 2009 0

Aku tengah dalam phase di mana, aku merasa sangat-sangat malas. Talk about laziness at its peak.

Mana boleh macam ni!!!

Mari kita mula merajinkan diri sendiri semula. Bermula hari ini!

Berusaha!

(Let;s see how long will this last)

-extremes of age-

29 June 2009 8


Pada yang mengenali saya sejak dulu, mungkin mereka sudah sedia maklum yang saya memang sukakan orang yang lebih tua.

Tua lagi hensem.

Tapi sejak AF7, saya dah tambah satu lagi cabang minat ke arah lain.

Orang yang muda. WaaaaY too young.

Putting Akim aside.

Masa ke Cameron (I'll put about Cameron another day), sekembalinya dari Dewan majlis abang Ajak, kami ke ladang stroberi Raju. Tapi saya, Tasse dan Iwa tak sampai pun, sebab Iwa ternampak bantal stroberi besar yang dia idam- idamkan sejak mencecahkan kaki ke Cameron. Maka kami turunlah di tengah jalan, manakala yang lain-lain terus ke tempat Raju.

Sedang kami sibuk hendak melintas, kedengaran satu suara halus... "Haaaiiii..." katanya.

Kami pun berpaling.

Sebuah kenderaan a-la Pajero melepasi kami, di tingkap belakang tersembul kepala seorang budak lelaki yang umurnya paling tua pun agaknya form 2. Dan konfem dia belum reach puberty lagi. (err...?)

And he was smiling. Ate ingat dia comel sangat la. (er...agak comei gak aaa)

Aku pun apa lagi. Refleks telah membuatkan diriku tersenyum kembali pada dia sambil mengangkat kening.

Siapa suruh ngurat. Kan dah kena ngurat semula.

Oh My Gosh (dengan gaya Laura). I'm flirting with a baby boy.

:)

2

Dengan lafaz Bismillah...


I'm going to end this.

*Redha*

- i am optimus prime-

25 June 2009 3

Kalau tiada taufufa, maka memang saya tak akan pernah tertengok transformers. And missed ke-best-annya.

Semalam, saya pergi menonton Revenge of The Fallen dengan budak2 rumah, dan juga jiran-jiran sekeliling. Memang terbaiklah cerita tu, sayangnya sebab kami duduk di belakang sekali, maka terpaksa meninggikan kepala macam kura-kura sebab kepala orang depan sangat besar.

Confirm saya akan pergi tengok kali kedua bila dah tak ramai orang kat panggung.

Hehe, tak sia-sia saya syorkan pada aiman nak tengok ramai-ramai macam masa tengok Bond dulu.



-CULTURE SHOCK PART 2-

1

Read with an open mind.

Part 2

Second week of my rotation. By now I have known a few more of the private uni students- nice people, good advise on how to survive being a medical student (and probably future houseman) in Malaysia. After the ever so boring and not intellectually stimulating wardround, I went off to the labour room- a place I found more lively and makes a lot more sense.

I saw Dr B, Dr S and Dr R was there (they were the MOs in the labour room). A little bit about the MOs there: Dr B (although not so smiley) is considered a really nice doctor there. She’s willing to teach, willing to direct me of what I can do- at least I wasn’t so lost like I was in the ward. Then there is Dr S- if you just be a fly on the wall and watch him with the other MOs and the senior nurses, he’s so nice, considerate and funny. But only if you’re an observer. Once you come near him, his face will change- no more smiles, no more jokes. It’s as if medical students and junior doctors were not welcome there- a pain in the *** (I would say). Owh well, I can be a pain in the *** if that’s how they treat people like me. It’s not that hard anyway! (haha). But , NO. I wasn’t trained by my university that way, and certainly not by my parents. So keep a positive attitude. Smile and keep an open mind. Even if it means smiling to a fierce or blunt face and not get even a small raise of eyebrow or a blink of an eye in return. Just be invisible, non-existence, null, hollow.

I watched a lot of deliveries in the labour room. Interesting experience. It has always been magical. To watch a mother with very little kilojoule of effort left- trying to push the baby out, no one but them can help that. And seeing how wonderful it has always been when they saw their baby for the first time. That had always been how I see O&G- the thrill and happiness, with a little bit of pain of course!

But somehow it changed. Now I’m not sure I want to deliver a baby myself. If I would, it would be overseas, or in private hospital. Why?

There was a young mother, in excrutiating contraction pain. Primigravida (first baby- for those who doesn’t understand medical language). It was heartbreaking to see her in so much pain before analgesia was offered. The reason for the delay: you can’t get a good CTG monitoring if the mother is not lying still. Fine. But the saddest part is:

Senior Nurse (SN): Adik! Baik kau duduk diam. Kalau tak tak boleh nak tengok jantung anak. Macam mana nak bagi ubat tahan sakit! Diam-diam la dik oi!

Patient: tak tahan sangat, kak. Sakit sangat!

SN: tau la sakit. Aku pun beranak jugak! Takde la macam kau ni. Macam mana nak bagi ubat kalau begini.

And the patient cries. Out of pain. Trying to get sympathy. I stood there. Head down to the ground. What if it was me. What if it was my sister. I’m not used to that. I’m used to midwives explaining about the pain, about the experience the patient is going through. I’m used to midwives talking softly to the new mom-to-be.

After the CTG was done, the patient was given pethidine IM injection. Then she was left to rest. I approached her:

Me: saya student perubatan.

Patient: ooo…hai.

Me: anak ke berapa ni puan?

Patient: pertama, doctor. (in malaysia, patients and even nurses are used to calling medical students ‘doctor’)

Me: ooo…tak pernah rasa. Memang sakit sikit la puan. Puan ada pernah masuk antenatal class masa mengandung?

Patient: antenatal class tu apa? Tak pernah dengar.

Me: ada tak orang pernah ajar Puan pasal nanti nak bersalin macam mana prosesnya, apa yang doctor boleh bagi untuk bantu Puan masa sakit?

Patient: tak ada. Saya tak tahu apa nak expect.

I pity her. So I spent a little bit of time explaining to her why she’s in so much pain, what can be done to help her with the pain, how the labour will progress, even how to push the baby out…as simple as that!

To my surprise, the labour went smoothly after that. The mother-to-be knew what she was doing, knew what to expect, what to ask for when she can’t handle the pain. I was relieved. At least I did something good to someone today. At least I helped someone today.

And the best part is, now I know why people in developed countries do the thing they do, why my uni always concentrate and emphasizes on communication, education, sharing, empathy. because they’re developed people. Civilised people. That’s how civilised people act, how they do things, how they communicate. But then I wonder…are my people not civilised then?

*Well, maybe you should stay and make a difference. Kalau semua orang pun tak suka dan lari berkhidmat overseas, bila nak ada change dalam health system nye. Akan sentiasa ada di takuk lama...kan?*

-sambil2-

23 June 2009 0



Saya suka makan sambil tengok cerita.

Multitasking sungguh kan?

Mood yang ceria-ceria sambil berborak tentang kes mek untuk EOP esok, berubah menjadi cuaca sebelum ribut. Awan gelap yang tebal berarak- arak menutupi sinaran cahaya matahari. Hilang terus rasa tenang.

Mula ingat nak ikut cik Alis ke birthday party Rubi... tapi dek kerana perubahan cuaca yang drastik itu, maka saya tak berapa rasa nak bersosial pula. Kesian dia kena pergi seorang dara. Sorry Alis. Huhu.

-no reason at all-

0

*Sniff, sniff*


Oh, memories...

*Sniff...*

And waiting for the -culture shock part 2-.

*Layu mata kerana sangat panas cuacanya.*

-to my side, my noble einherjar-

22 June 2009 0

I'm tired lah. Lenguh kaki.

Last night I could not hold myself together. Luckily a phone call from a friend stopped it sebelum ia meleret- leret. (Divine Intervention in a disguise I should say)

After the distraction, rasa tak best itu hilang. Alhamdulillah.

Waiting for Transformers ticket. ^^

_part of your world_

21 June 2009 0

What would I give 
To live where you are? 
What would I pay 
To stay here beside you?
What would I do to see you 
Smiling at me?

Just you and me 
And I could be Part of your world 


*From My Little Mermaid*

-pung-

20 June 2009 0

Ok...


Aku sudah tidak peduli lagi.

Aku ikut hati je.

Consequence nya...belakang kira.












I'm gonna download the Jap version of Dissidia. Bia dok pehe spatoh hare pung.

-hell yeah-

19 June 2009 0

video
Ini adalah video fevret beta yang memaparkan characters FFVII: AC.

Well originally FFVII lah. Tapi sebab mereka seperti buddy2 aja dengan Reno & Rude, so I figured it must be from AC.

It's cute, but maybe meaningless to those who hold no *passion* to VII compilation. :)

Ever since I heard that they were going to release AC, (back in 2005/06 kot), I've been counting days. (Dah la masa tu kat India, dengan nil knowledge pasal torrents dll nih.)

I was wondering, macam mana agaknya rupa budak-budak ni bila disuntik CGI yang mantap. And the net released their images. Except for one. The one I loved most (beside Cloud of course) in the game. The one who died in the middle of the story.

The only picture of her was the one with only the lower part of her face exposed and we were left wondering how she looked like. Banyak juga yang mereka-reka wajah Aerith berdasarkan apa yang ada. Tapi bila saya tengok, dalam kepala saya hanya satu : No, she will definitely look better than that.

And I was not disappointed. She's everything I imagined her to be.

(oh, but she was not in the video.)

The game will always be my all time favourite. The first FF game that I bought and played and fell in love with.


Dot.Dot.Dot.

0

Hari ini kepenatan.

Pagi-pagi lagi kena hadap kemarahan Prof.

Kami baru saja melangkah masuk ke kelas Prof untuk sesi portfolio review. Ketika itu dia berada bersama-sama batch remedials. Moodnya masa tu pun dah kelabu mendung-mendung je.

Baru duduk 2 minit dah kena halau keluar dengan suara yang membuatkan air kolam renang yang tenang di bawah berkocak.

Lepas setengah jam dia masuk balik.

Dan mood dia naik turun lepas tu. As always. And we, thinking that this is the last day of the posting... merelakan aja.

Oh...I did not tell about what happened last Tuesday.

Tuesday is OPD day. With Prof. We were supposed to be the group which will join the 2nd session in the OPD with him and came back to Melaka in the afternoon. But somehow... the other group got chased out from the OPD, and he asked for us.

Dengan hati yang cuak kami pun melangkah ke sana, dengan harapan, jam 10.30 nanti, kami akan switch semula dengan group lagi satu, dan kami boleh balik.

Tinggal harapan aja.

We were ordered to stay for the 2nd session until the evening for breast clinic.

*Give some time for horror to set in* (Dah dapat mood horror itu? Bagus.)

Bukannya kami tak kena bambu gila-gila, bukannya tak dijerit dan dimaki depan patient, tapi dia macam tak terasa nak halau kami. Dia macam menyampaikan mesej : 'I'll let you die a slow, painful death.' (pandai-pandai aje aku.)

By evening, aku dah exhausted, physically and mentally. Lalu merehatkan minda dengan mengekor budak-budak rumah mencari sesuatu di beberapa tempat.

Oh, sambung semula.

Bila direnung kembali, kami antara group yang paling kerap juga lah kena dengan dia. For the last 3 weeks lah yang paling horror sekali. Every Jumaat mesti akan jumpa dia untuk review. (And only for the 1st Friday mood dia sangat elevated. Dia ala-ala...euphoric. Sangat baik.) Yang lain tu, minta maafla... Tadah telinga aja.

Anyhow...

Finally.

Dot.


-culture shock PART 1-

6

*this is my first 'job' as a 'publisher'* (wah2, macam promo!)

Ini adalah hasil kerja tangan seorang teman. :)

It was the first day of my rotation in Malaysia doing O&G as my elective. I was overwhelmed by the fact that I was new and by not knowing anyone in this new environment. Luckily I met a few students from the private university nearby who’re doing their clinical posting there.

It was really a different situation, different environment, different attitude, different in everything…just different. Spending most of my adulthood overseas, I thought it would be nice to come back to Malaysia, working among my people, for my people, with my people. People who have the same belief, the same culture, the same environment, the same values. But it was really not as simple as it might seem.

When I first went to the ward, I introduced myself to the Sister in charge. Told her my supervisor, Dr L (a very nice young consultant), wants me to have an orientation of the ward. The Sister was so stressed out that she said to me: I don’t have time for all this! You’re just a student and I have a lot of work to do! . I really expect at least a smile, or at least a nod of respect. None. I was pushed from one nurse to another just for the orientation.

Finally, when they found someone not ‘busy’ enough to take me for orientation, I was given a really short one- 5minutes. And off I go- to nowhere I knew. I was left dangling there, nothing to do. Fine, I accept the challenge. I go to the private uni students and ask them what do they normally do. And off I went doing the same thing.

Then the team of doctors came to the ward…from god knows where. The wardround has started. I decided to be assertive and introduce myself. I thught: What the heck, who else would do it for me. And I went there and saw the HOs and the MO in charge that morning. Everybody ignored me.

Me: Hi, selamat pagi. Saya pelajar elective attach to this ward starting today.

HO: owh hi. (keep doing her job)

Me: would you mind if I tag with u?

HO: don’t! I’ve got nothing to teach. Go with the MOs (with a bit of a smile-finally)

Me: ok

Then I went to the MO, Dr P. stand behind her before introducing myself because she was talking to a patient. When she finally turn around, I was just about to open my mouth and introduce myself…

Dr P: who are you? What are you doing here?

Me: I’m an elective student currently attached to this ward.

Dr P: from where?

Me: ***** university. Would you mind if I follow the round?

Then without answering, she turned away and walk off.

But the hell with that response, I followed the round anyway! She didn’t say I cant!

After the round, there was nothing much to do so I went to the labour room. To my surprise (well, not so much with very2 recent experience), the exact same thing happen. From all the MOs! Gosh, I wonder why they’re like that! Is it racism? Is it double-standardising? Is it bullying? Or is it just the jinx for being an MO?

The next day, although frustrated with the experience I had for my first day, I decided to start fresh with an open mind. It was probably a bad day for everyone. Probably they just had a meeting where everybody was scolded by the HOD who is a known hungry-soul eater tiger!haha (if I may say so).

Once again I saw Dr P.

Me: Good morning doctor! (trying to be nice- well, I’m used to greeting everyone in the team back in *****)

Dr P: (just offering a short glance) whatever!

My jaw dropped! Heart sank that instance! OMG…its gonna be a really loooooooooooooong rotation, this one! I pray my heart and mind can stand it so that my motivation to do my housemanship in Malaysia doesn’t go into the drain. And the rest of the day went pretty much the same. Ignored by everyone (except the patients and the private uni students), nothing to do, no one to smile to, no one to greet ‘good morning to. I was frustrated. Very frustrated.

*Siapa2 yang mahu kerjanya dipublish secara anonymous, just tell.* (To the writer : I edited some, or your anonymousity habis kantoi. Haha.) <----did anonymousity even exist?

And siapa-siapa yang boleh agak, just keep it to yourself aja. Thanks.

~a morning~

18 June 2009 0


Satu group aku ponteng rupanya.

Haha.

Aku memang self declared cuti as a memorial.<---seperti poyo gile. (I'm not THAT conceited)

No, actually sebab nak siapkan kerja yang terbengkalai disebabkan kemalasan.

And I didn't know, the whole group skipped until Razak called asking for my groupmates.

Then aku cuak.

Then aku fed up and couldn't care less.

And now I am writing cases, while listening to Fringe. (well, um..VLC is playing in the background, with other windows in front of it)

*Mode: a new chapter. New page.*

Happy Anniversary

0

Please don't tell me not to cry
Please don't say there was a reason why
You don't know what I am feeling
Or how much I hurt

The wet spots are from tears on the collar of this shirt
You think I should go on with life
Forget about it and be strong
But deep down I am sad, and I don't want to go along

I don't expect you to understand why
For no apparent reason I break down and start to cry
My life has changed forever, you see
And that is why I am not the same ole me

So please don't try to act like nothing happened
Because it's changed my life forever
I will never be the same again
Not today, not tomorrow, but never

The best thing you can do for me is just be there
Just like always, my friend
My broken heart is hurting bad
And it will never mend

If we could call it that.

Siapa yang sambut anniversary benda-benda macam ni?

Siapa yang ingat benda-benda macam ni?

Me.

Such idiot.

Get up and live girl.


~CountDown~

17 June 2009 0

Another few hours and minutes ( dalam sejam setengah lagi kot...)...


My personal countdown.

What have I gained in the past year?

*crying inside*

~huaaaarghhh....~

0


One thing I hated bila tidur waktu petang adalah bila bangun rasa sangat letih.

Rasa macam nak sambung tidur sampai ke pagi.

Boleh kan?

*Rrr... portfolio tak siap lagi ni. Malasnyee....*

~mata stim~

0

I'm tired, and I am hungry, eventhough dah lunch 3 hours ago.


Tido dulu!

Dr Ayim

15 June 2009 2

Pagi ini bermula dengan senyuman kerana sudah selesai minggu yang agak berat.

Disambung lagi dengan senyuman kerana HO comel di wad 4-4 asked for my help to trace the investigations for his patients. Almaklum lah, pagi-pagi nak rounds kan macam kelam kabut sikit. I heard from Kay macam mana nak trace benda tu, tapi saja aja gatal nak tanya juga. Dia kata-just call then sebut nama, kata lah you ni Dr kat wad ni, pastu minta trace Ix sekian2...-

Which I did, twice. Hehe. 1st time membahasakan diri dengan title 'Dr.' di depan, terasa teruja pula.

Ehem2...

Hello, Lab.

Hello... Saya Dr Aima dari wad 4-4. Saya nak trace Ix untuk patient ni lah. (Give the IC no, tengok padan ke tak dengan nama patient...kalau ada dia akan sebutkan, kalau tak, dia akan kata tak sampai lagi). Ok, terima kasih.

Oh, happy. La la.

-my breakfast cum lunch @ 11am-

14 June 2009 0




Itadakimasu!

Simple is for me. ( Adakah statement ini kebenaran, ataupun maksud tersiratnya adalah aku malas. Ha ha ha).

Dua-dua pun boleh.

Hot white rice + ikan kering/ pekasam + kicap + cili padi (+/- telur dadar) = best meal ever.



my fav

0


My favourite part in La Corda d'Oro Primo Passo.

Doushite Kimi Wo Suki Ni Natte Shimattan Darou

0

Why did I end up falling for you?
No matter how much time has passed,
I thought that you would always be here
But you have chosen a different road

Why wasn’t I able to convey to you?
My feelings that were growing everyday and night
The words begin to overflow
But I know they won’t reach you now

From the first day that I met you
I felt like I knew you
And the two of us melded together so naturally

Wherever we would go, it would be together
It was so natural for you to be with me
We became adults together
But you chose a different road

Why did I end up falling for you?
No matter how much time has passed,
I thought that you would always be here (but not anymore)

Today, the day that holds a special meaning
The day that you stood with a smile of happiness
Praying to God in your beautiful appearance

With the person next to you who isn’t me
The image of you receiving blessings
How could I just stand aside and watch

So why did I end up falling for you?
We can’t go back to that time, or how we were (I’ve thought it through)

Why wasn’t I able to take your hand?
No matter how much time passes
You always should’ve been by my side
Now it will never come true

But, even though I say that I need you close to me
I just pray that you will be happy forever
No matter how lonely that makes me (or how sad)

Ternampak status Prop di YM, tajuk lagu ni. Saya konon cuba nak translate maksud sepotong ayat tu, tapi fail. Haha. I screwed up the grammars.

Bila saya tanya dia, dia jawab dengan menghantar link YouTube vclip lagu ini. Saya mula-mula tak ambil endah sangat, tapi bila mata tiba- tiba tertangkap bait lirik lagu ni (the song is in Nihon), terus hati pun tersangkut.

Sedap liriknya.

Made me thinking. Can't we turn back, to whatever we were before? Even before all of this started.

I miss a friend.

-cuti malas-

13 June 2009 4

Today I'm having the house to myself. Alis went home to attend a wedding with Ashkam, Mek went to her sister's house in KL.

Hari bermalas-malasan.

Celik-celik mata tak tau nak buat apa.

Last week was exhausting. Starting off with Prof rage on Monday, hospital postings at night, me becoming emo-unstable due to family matters, end of posting last Wednesday and portfolio review with Prof which ended up really badly. As a matter of fact, as of Friday, I did not care anymore. My mind wandered far- far away from my body, and I could not wait until weekend.

I still have cases to write in the portfolio, tapi saya rasa malas.

Saya nak bermalas-malasan. Seorang diri.

-tmnut-

0

Sekali lagi internet bengong sejak malam tadi.

Ada beberapa website yang tak boleh nak diaccess.

What i found is, page yang related to google je yang still viable. Explains why i am writing here right now.

Wahh...saya mahu facebook.

kosong

10 June 2009 0

Bodoh, bodoh, bodoh.

Tak ada otak nak fikir sendiri ke?

_happiness_

0

Orang kata : Bersyukur dengan ada di depan mata.

Fair enough.

Tapi tak semua orang boleh buat macam tu kan? Bahagia sudah ada di depan mata, tapi tutup sebelah mata, cari pula bahagia di tempat lain.

And found it. Dia jumpa bahagia, dan dia bahagia.

Then what happened to the so-called bahagia yang ditinggalkan untuk bahagia yang baru?

*Sampai sekarang masih tak puas hati lagi. Sigh.*

_smile_

09 June 2009 2

Pengantin lelaki kata di FB:

thank you everyone..thank you for my frend 97-01 tape , bad ,jambang ,panjang ,goco , sami, aloy ,jakek , jijong, aima , asrapi , sally , kerry , lily ,mat dan , ajis ( pengapit ) , mas guys usop and kimochi (zul) those who come i realy appriciatee it guys thanks a lot eventhough the ceruk of manjung hahahaha thanks you... :- )



Bak kata Calleigh Dusquene, I appreciate being appreciated.

All smiles.

*
Esok EPT, and aku tak baca apa lagi. Mati.*

_congratulations_

3

To my friend, Siti Tettie Hidayati Mohyi. (walaupun dia tidak membaca blog ini)

Tahniah atas kelahiran baby girl 2.9kg yang sihat. Syukur kerana kalian berdua selamat. :)

We were quite close during high school, starting masa form 4 because we shared the double decker bed. Dia di atas, saya di bawah. Sepanjang setahun itu, banyak yang dikongsi. Laughs, tears, anger, smiles, stories.

He he, saya happy.^^

_tersengguk_

08 June 2009 0

Mari membaca prostate.

Tapi mata dah berat sangat- sangat.

Tak berhenti dari 7.30 am sampai ke jam 9.30 pm.

Macamana agaknya senior clerkship nanti eh kalau macam ni pun dah tak larat.

And the thought of meeting Prof again tomorrow... rasa nak tidur tak mau bangun-bangun je.

_mvyauuu_

0

1st day of night posting.

Agak blur juga lah bila menapak ke A&E tadi, setelah sekian lama.

Sampai sudah aku tak reti nak operate machine ECG tu. Buta mesin betul.

Tadi Tata datang mengajar. Pertama kali pula ada cekgu datang time night posting. Tapi dia mengajar memang best la.

Hu, esok dah kena pergi Muar. Mujur separuh hari je, sebab Prof kesayangan aku itu ada hal di tengahari. Kalau tidak, pagi kena dengan dia di prostate klinik, petang kena pula di breast clinic. Terbaik itu.

Oh.

Lupa pula.

Petang tadi we were supposed to have PBL session with MM. He was just starting to teach us when Prof barged into the room and started shouting. Apparently his group could not answer his question and he got mad and chased them to the library.

Agaknya sangap sangat la kot sampai masuk kelas orang lain and started throwing questions kat kitorang. Kami ni dah set dalam kepala yang Dr HK yang akan datang, and so we prepared according to his style lah, yakni, lebih kepada clinical setting.

He asked about PVD etiology according to his table. We could not answer sebab susah nak classify macam gitu. And the answer that we gave bukannya salah pun, cuma tak menepati cara dia aja.

Dan kami dihalau juga.

Tak pasal- pasal kena sambung kelas pukul 6. Group Dr MM yang bukan di bawah dia pun terkena jg. Padahal tak ada beza pun pukul 6 dengan pukul 2 td. MM still akan mengajar juga.

But we stayed at the library sampai 5.30. Terasa macam skema pula.

*Missing taufufa*

a wedding

07 June 2009 0



Saya ke wedding Rino last week. Di Changkat Kruing.

1st time saya ke wedding orang secara proper. Nervous juga. Lama tak jumpa kawan- kawan lama.

Ni adalah wedding sebelah perempuan. His was postponed sebab ibunya sibuk menjaga si kecil yang baru lahir.

2 jam lebih sesat nak mencari jalan ke rumah pengantin. Saya, Jakek dan Jijong. Rasa nak givup pun ada juga. Tapi dah penat datang dari jauh, teruskan juga perjalanan. Dua tiga kali call kawan-kawan yang dah ada kat sana. Berhenti tanya orang di stesen minyak, kat tepi jalan. Tak pasal-pasal kena sound pula sebab peta tak lengkap. Pakcik, ni bukan peta kami cik.

Dua kali berhenti, baru lah dapat nak masuk junction yang betul. Tu pun ala cuak juga sebab kiri kanan semuanya kelapa sawit. (teringat iklan minyak masak pula). Dah macam berura- ura nak patah balik je sebab rasa tak mungkin ada taman perumahan kat dalam estate.

Lastly, jumpa juga.

Dan terus saja bengang kesulitan mencari rumah tadi dilupakan. Jadi bahan lawak pula.

Mulanya ingat nak singgah sekejap aje. Tapi bila dah jumpa member2 lama (ada Awab, K'ri,& his wife Lili dan Sally) meleret- leret pula bersembang(walaupun saya ni tak lah banyak cakap pun). Eventhough masa sekolah dulu tak pernah bercakap pun, bila jumpa ni macam kenal lama pula. Alhamdulillah, sense of belonging itu masih ada.

Pertama kali lah tengok pengantin lelaki nya sempoi sahaja. (well, Rino kan, what to expect? Haha). Dengar K'ri bercerita pasal malam nikah tu pun dah cukup lawak dah. Pengantin lelakinya tak ada mak andam, yang tinggal adalah kawan- kawan yang lepak dengan dia malam tu lah. Lepas tu masing- masing tatau macam mana nak ikatkan sampin pengantin. Mujur ada seorang yang dah kahwin, boleh la tolong- tolong jugak. Dengan silap bilang rukun nikah lagi.

Tapi selamat akad nikah dengan one shot aja.

It was worth the journey. I shoud go to more weddings.

-blur-

05 June 2009 2


Ah... rasa nak tido.

Tapi esok mesti mati kalau tak siap buat malam ni.

Ampuuuuuun TUannnkU....!

Seperti dah terngiang -ngiang di telinga.

Bloody fools! Such a disgrace!

candles

2


To a long way back friend of mine.

We're complete opposite but somehow we stick together.

We're thousands miles apart to begin with, somehow ended up together.

Ever wonder how we remained close even when we are constantly separated?

I don't know either.

But, anyways.

Happy 25th birthday to you, Intan Saffura M Ramly.

Allah bless.

And to Muhammad Ashraf Khamzah juga. (kalau ejaan nama mu tidak salah). Selamat hari jadi, bro.

i'm yours

04 June 2009 1

Yes, yes... kepada dia yang menyanyi lagu ini di konsert.

Totally yours.

*gatal*

Well, you done done me and you bet I felt it
I tried to be chill but your so hot that I melted
I fell right through the cracks, now I'm tryin to get back
before the cool done run out I'll be givin it my best test
and nothin's gonna stop me but divine intervention
I reckon it's again my turn to win some or learn some

But I won't hesitate no more,
no more, it cannot wait
I'm yours

Well open up your mind and see like me
open up your plans and damn you're free
look into your heart and you'll find love love love love
listen to the music at the moment people dance and sing with me
Were just 1 big family
And it's our godforsaken right to be loved loved loved loved loved

So, i won't hesitate no more,
no more, it cannot wait i'm sure
there's no need to complicate our time is short
this is our fate
I'm yours

Scooch on over closer, dear
And I will nibble your ear

I've been spendin' way too long checkin' my tongue in the mirror
and bendin' over backwards just to try to see it clearer
But my breath fogged up the glass
and so I drew a new face and I laughed
I guess what I'd be sayin' is there ain't no better reason
to rid yourself of vanities and just go with the seasons
it's what we aim to do
our name is our virtue
Gelenyar overboard dah aku ni.

-pukau?-

0

Adik kawan saya hilang handphone baru-baru ini.

Katanya sebelum tu, dia ada menerima panggilan dari seseorang yang dia tak kenal.

Dan orang tu baca doa apa-apa tah sebaik sahaja panggilan diangkat.

Mungkin tak dia kena pukau?

Ish. Takutnya.

~ulcer~

03 June 2009 0

I've got an ulcer on the lower lip, in constant friction with my lower incisors.

Irritable sungguh.

Nak makan, terasa.

Nak gosok gigi pun terasa.

Ni mesti sebab aku selalu memperlekehkan mouth ulcer selama ni. Dulu kalau ada ulcer kat mulut, memang aku selamba aja gigit-gigitkan. Pastu tobat dia tak keluar dah.

Tapi 1st time pula dapat kat site ni. Tak dapat nak gigit pun.

Hai... tahan aja lah...

ps: mek, bila nak tuka kamu punya ruang komen?

~the joker~

0

My fav piece.

Wise men say only fools rush in
But I cant help falling in love with you
Shall I stay
Would it be a sin
If I cant help falling in love with you

Take my hand, take my whole life too
For I cant help falling in love with you



Always a fool.

~Nite is supposed to be sejuk~

0

Guruh berdentum di langit.

Awning di luar bilik saya bising ditimpa titik hujan.

Tapi masih panas lagi keadaan dalam bilik.

Boleh saya tidur luar?

-cho-

02 June 2009 0

Saya suka menulis.

Saya teruja melihat orang yang simpan jurnal harian berkepuk-kepuk.

Saya jadi gatal tangan tengok notebooks yang fancy2.

Macam-macam dalam kepala nak menulis itu ini.

Tapi sudahnya...

Buku tu terbiar kosong.

Malas sangat nak capai pen tulis ya?

halwa hati

2

Sepatutnya Dr MM yang ambil tut untuk kami hari ni on the topic : Anal and Perianal Diseases. Tapi entah macamana Dr Wong pula yang masuk. Dan the session lasts with us straining to hear what he was saying, understanding his jokes and changing looks with one another.

However,

balik dari kelas, saya terus ke Pusat Servis Perodua Bacang. Actually, I went yesterday tapi sebab ramai sangat orang, terus buat appointment untuk hari ni je. RM 124.50. *sigh*

Habis urusan di Bacang, instead of balik terus ke rumah, saya melencong ke pet shop di Bukit Piatu. Niat di hati nak usha rabbit.

Kat kedai tepi tu hanya ada rabbit dari baka Aussie & US maka harganya faham- faham ajalah.

Uncle tu kata local breed akan sampai 2-3 hari lagi.

So saya rajinkan kaki melangkah ke kedai akuarium yang besar selang beberapa kedai daripada kedai tepi tu.

Oh, ada pun arnab tempatan.

Not to mention a super cute anak kucing kacukan Persian+Siamese yang ada ADHD. Rasa nak gomol- gomol aja si kecil tu. Nasib baik dia dalam sangkar.

Arnab tempatan tu berharga rm 18.

Tapi aku tak beli sebabnya pekedainya tak mesra alam macam uncle kedai tepi tu.

Aku sanggup tunggu.

Cerewet dan mengada-ngada tak?

Haha.

But seeing those critters, I could not help but melt inside.


-fin-

0

Lega.

Dua perkara dah habis dibuat.

Puasa ganti.

Bayar zakat.

Okay... time for the next ones!

-bila mau jadi master?-

1

I dislike headache.

Nanti mata terbuka separa aja. Dengan terasa kesakitan menekan di belakang kepala sampai ke belakang leher.

Saya susceptible kepada sakit-sakit remeh yang melecehkan ni.

Cepat penat, cepat sakit kepala, cepat sakit badan.

Saya tak suka kerana ia tampak remeh, tapi saya rasa macam nak jatuh flat atas tanah. Which I know I was not supposed to because, it was SUPPOSED to be remeh. Lembik sangat ke saya ni?

Then I'll feel bad sebab tak kuat macam orang lain.

*sigh*


debush

01 June 2009 1

Saya hypoglycemic.

Last meal : sebiji donut dalam pukul 9 mlm tadi.

Pastu berangan nak puasa tanpa sahur. (Plain water aja.)

Pastu dah macam nak pengsan sakit kepala bila time petang.

Plus, aku wajib akan tunaikan sindrom hari isnin.

~i want sleep~

.......

29 May 2009 0

She has no special talent
No special beauty mark
No invention with a patent
No voice of a comely lark

No hourglass physique
No sunbeam likened smile
No lingering mystique
No manicured nails to file

But what she had she flaunted
With the style of a fur- lined stole
With the chic of a runway model
She flashed her beautiful soul

Most Beautiful Woman In The World

jungkit jungkit

27 May 2009 8

Seorang kawan berkata;
Dugaan semasa bercinta itu lebih besar daripada selepas kahwin.

Mungkin tak ramai setuju.

Tapi lihat dari konteks ini.

Apa ada pada cinta?

Cuma persetujuan dua hati sahaja. Tiada tanggungjawab yang terikat. Tak kewajipan langsung. Tak wajib seorang boifren menggembirakan hati girlfrennya. Tak berdosa kalau dia tak balas SMS berhari-hari. Tak berdosa kalau tak senyum bila jumpa. Tak wajib ambil hantar girlfren ke tempat kerja/ tempat belajar. Tak berdosa kalau tak jumpa atau bercakap dalam telefon. Bukan kesalahan besar kalau boifren tidak memberi perhatian yang girlfren rasa dia deserve. Tak salahnya kalau pasangan tak menunjukkan concern ketika demam selsema etc.

Maka tiada salah apa-apa pun kalau jikalau salah seorang daripada mereka tidak mengikut the so-called 'rules and regulation semasa bercinta.'(before marriage)

Kerana ia tak wujud.

Mainan perasaan semata. Direka cipta sendiri untuk kepuasan hati sendiri.

Maka, disebabkan tiada ikatan tanggungjawab tersebut, sekiranya ada badai besar yang melanda, dan mereka terpisah, apakah yang boleh menjamin bahawa mereka akan kekal bersama satu hari nanti even without the expression of love and care? Tiada janji dan sumpah setia? Tiada kata- kata manis?

Takperlu fikirkan kaum keluarga serta sanak saudara sendiri ataupun mertua, tak perlu fikirkan anak- anak, tak perlu fikirkan kawan-kawan anda dan kawan-kawan dia, tak perlu fikirkan prosedur mahkamah yang leceh, tak perlu fikirkan apa yang seharusnya dilakukan selepas berpisah, tiada masalah pembahagian harta, tak perlu fikirkan label masyarakat.

In short, senang sekali kalau pasangan bercinta yang berpisah itu mahu terus untuk tidak bersama. Dan untuk berfikir mereka tidak perlu bersama lagi in the future. Orang yang sedang bercinta boleh saja kata - Tiada orang lain buat saya, apa-apapun yang terjadi, dia tetap menjadi pilihan saya.-

But, can the ones who have been separated for years said that? And mean it?

Not many.

Ya... tiada apa yang boleh mengikat mereka.

Except faith of a strong heart.

Never think of it in this way before. Thanks to you, who brought it up.

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